This is for all of my married ADHD folks who have a spouse that is not an entirely safe space for them.
I was listening to my friend and colleague Kristen Carter of the “I Have ADHD” podcast talk about how we need to be able to unmask at home and in our closest relationships. We need to be seen, validated, and accepted in our closest and most intimate spaces.
But I know a lot of you guys are like me and have experienced many years in a relationship where your spouse was critical or very uncomfortable or could not understand what was happening for you and was always asking you to change. And you get into this place where you feel like you have to pretend not only for the whole world but also for the person who’s supposed to get you, right? So I have three things that I would recommend that you do.
Thing number one is to make a list. You might need a little luxurious thinking time to come up with this list, but make a list of all of the ways that you feel safe with them: What is it that your spouse is able to understand? What is it that they see about you? What is it that they love about you? How do they make you feel good?.
Make a list of all of those things because we get into very black-and-white thinking, and it’s easy to just let the negative emotion like “they just don’t get it, and they’re just trying to make me different” override everything that they are doing well in all of the ways that they are a safe space. So you want to give your brain that question so you can find out what’s real there.
I have two modifications for you if that exercise is a little bit too hard to do: One of them would be to get yourself into a really positive place before you make the list. So go do something you love, spend time with somebody that does feel great with you, and then immediately make the list. If you are in a positive place, you’ll be able to see what’s good in a way that you can’t when you’re in a negative place. So don’t do this right after they piss you off or hurt your feelings.
The second mod is to write the list while thinking about them when they are in a positive place, right? When they’re feeling good, when they’re not crazy stressed, how do they respond and react to you then? Okay, so that was just step one.
Here is step two. Step two is that you remove your expectation for them to make you feel safe and seen and understood in any way that’s not on that list. That doesn’t mean that you don’t keep asking, making requests of them, and inviting them to grow, but it does mean you stop expecting them to. And in fact, you expect them not to be able to comply with any of these things until they have grown.
In the same way, if they stop expecting you to change and instead keep asking for what they want without getting angry, upset, or disappointed when you haven’t changed yet, it would feel better for everyone. So you want to pull back the expectations. This doesn’t mean that you don’t get your needs met; it means that you should pay attention to step number three.
The third step is definitely the hardest one for me, and that is to go out and find people who will fill in the gaps. When you pull the expectations back from your spouse, you still have those needs. You still need somebody who will see and accept those parts of you, the ones that your spouse cannot right now. So you’ve got to go find those people.
Now, there are ways to make that easier. For example, you can join ADHD groups and make it known that you want to form relationships with people who are very understanding.
Being that kind of person yourself and showing that you are will increase your chances, right? Understanding people, seeing the parts of them that they are a little afraid to show, is important. But putting yourself out there is integral, right? You want to build up friendships with people who make you feel like you can totally unmask. So you can take the pressure off of your spouse to be everything for you.
This does require a couple of things. It requires you to believe they’re out there and keep believing it. It requires you to be okay, to be able to handle the feeling of rejection when somebody doesn’t create a safe space for you or allow you to unmask.
It requires you to deal with the fear when you let down your guard a little bit around people, so there’s some emotional resilience that has to happen. I can help you with that—that’s what I do—but the one thing I want you to keep in mind is that it is worth it.
If you keep going, you will find your people, and they can give you the space that you desperately need. Now, I’m fully aware that I’m throwing too much at you, but I have more.
So, if what I’ve just said in this post really makes you feel anxious or negative or some version of “I can’t do that,” then I highly recommend that you work with a coach or a therapist on building and maintaining friendships because I think that will do so much for you.
I also have no idea how Kristen Carter ended her podcast. I only heard a small clip, so I don’t know what her recommendations are in this area or what else she said about having a safe space to unmask at home. You might check out her podcast, the “I Have ADHD” podcast, and see what she says and just get some more data going.
BIG DISCLAIMER:
If your spouse is abusive, or if you are AFRAID or TRAPPED at home… this post is NOT FOR YOU! Do not stay and try to make this better. Read below:
Self-doubt can lead people with ADHD to question whether what is happening to them at home is REALLY abuse…because parts of them agree with their abuser, and they feel like they deserve it.
OR because they see the GOOD in their spouse and don’t want to reduce them to how they act SOMETIMES.
If you are not sure if this is you, it’s time to start asking questions. No matter what promises you made, you deserve to be physically and psychologically safe, and there are people who want to help.
I am NOT trained to help with abuse, so while I am a safe space, I will always refer you to a therapist or to the following sources for help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
Call: 800-799-7233
Text BEGIN to: 88788
Xoxo,
Jessica
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